Union Budget 2014 Review

The union budget means that the front pages of all newspapers would be blocked for budget coverage the day after and rightly so, unless Tapas Pal decides to address a rally again on the same day.

This is the time of the year when an official from the Ministry of Finance goes to that run down theatre props rental place and hires a briefcase for the Finance Minister to pose with at the end of the budget. To come closer to reality, that briefcase can well be replaced with a backpack, especially since it carries the heavy documents that burden the nation with fiscal deficits and debts.

Narendra Modi won the elections primarily on the promise of economic development. Therefore, we can safely say that the budget day will be the most important day of the year during his reign, unlike the previous Govt where the most important day of the year was of course Sonia Gandhi’s birthday.  

Out of the many schemes announced, the one that caught the attention was the Rs. 2000 Crore allocation for Sardar Patel’s statue. Well, by doing this, Modi basically fulfilled his pre poll promise of building more toilets. Toilets for birds that is.

But what about toilets for human beings? That's a huge issue isnt it? More Indians have access to mobile phones than closed toilets. And the recent Badaun rape highlighted it as a safety problem along with it already being a sanitation problem. Additionally, it is also a personal problem. Toilets are important not only from a hygeine point of view, but also from a peace of mind point of view. Your bathroom is the place where you get time for yourself. Away from your wife, children, parents. It is your 'Me' time. It is the time when you clock highest scores in Angry Birds or Quizup. It is when you are most creative. Why do you think Indians lag behind the West in discoveries and inventions. Archimedes discovered buoyancy and Archimedes principle when he was having a nice quiet bath in his bathroom. After which he went full retard. Do you think he would have discovered this idea if he were bathing in the open, spending all his energy to ensure no one steals his towel while he's bathing in the local lake? No.

Fate awaiting Sardar Patel

Staying with the Sardar Patel statue, it is going to be nearly double the height of The Statue of Liberty. Size matters. 

The cleanliness drive for the river Ganges has been allocated over 2000 crores. This is great because an estimated 3 billion litres of garbage and waste is released into the Ganges every day. There is so much trash in the river that it could well be renamed Bollywood. Or some narrow stretches of the river can be literally called the Sewage Canal. Good to see the Govt addressing this crisis that is the Ganges, but the fact remains that the first ever statement made on this issue was by the great Raj Kapoor very many decades back. He was such a visionary. Ahead of his time. He spoke about water pollution so many years back when he titled one of his movies Ram Teri Ganga Maili. Unfortunately, we could not see through his beautiful message. We learnt to appreciate transparency since that landmark movie. I think that is the reason why we want transparency in everything now, from BCCI to Governments. Good to see Raj Kapoor’s message being taken seriously by the authorities now. They also watched re runs of that movie before the budget, purely for research purposes.

Raj Kapoor displaying, err, his vision.

Women safety schemes in comparison got Rs. 150 Cr allocation. Because as we all know preventing crimes against women is not the Govt’s job. It is the job of parents who need to teach their boys how to behave with girls. It is the job of parents to ensure they don’t eat noodles, or use mobile phones. It is the job of parents to ensure girls are not dressed up which leads to them to ask for it. What the Govt is trying to tell us is that preventing crimes against women is a more moral problem than a regulatory issue. I say even the 150 Cr package is too high. Why not spend it in something more important, such as rehabilitation of Ram at Ayodhya.

The Govt announced number of new IIMs and IITs.  In terms of expansion of brand, they will now compete with the likes of ICFAI, IIPM and Amity. And just when students were losing motivation to pursue engineering, the new IIT in Goa should help.

Cigarettes will be costlier now. The finance minister said this decision was also taken from a health point of view. Will this make people smoke less? Has graphic warnings decreased the consumption of tobacco products? I don’t think these measures work. One way to make people smoke less would be if the warnings are more Indianised. Lets have a warning on packs which say ‘Cigarettes are manglik’, or ‘cigarettes hurt religious sentiment’. That should work better.

The budget sets aside Rs. 7600 crores to build 100 smart cities across India. I hope they do not follow the railway ministry model of project allocation which may see 99 smart cities coming up in Gujarat and one in the North East just to claim national integration in the next pre poll marketing blitz.

In summary, Modi’s budget promises big things but lacks clarity in how the targets are going to be achieved. Much like his election campaign. However the mood in the country is good and hopes are high. The budget is gone. The briefcase will be hired again next year. Enough of reporting on words like fiscal. Let us now happily go back to covering the rascals. Which surprisingly rhymes with someone mentioned at the start of the piece. if you say it quickly enough. .

My riots were better than yours!

Lets talk about politics for a bit. When it became clear that Narendra Modi was going to be the prime ministerial candidate for BJP, all the Congress leaders who like to fawn in posh English , or in other words, spokespersons huddled together and decided to frame a strategy to defame him. They googled India’s biggest scams and their reaction was oh no!, all in the top 5 scams are by Congress personnel. So they chose the obvious blot in Modi’s time, the Gujarat mass killings, and decided that every night they would come on tv, and answer '2002 riots' to every question. 

Sir, what about the falling economy?  2002 riots. 

What about increase in rapes? 2002 riots. 

What about black money? 2002 riots. 

Whats your name? 2002 riots. 

Whats your mothers name? Sonia Gandhi. 

True story.

But given that these men are all highly educated, it is a surprise that they haven’t heard of the famous saying - people in glass houses should not roam around naked in the house, without drawing the curtains.

The BJP now got the chance to retort to every 2002 killings remark with the same words, but  replacing 2002 with 1984.  Now to be honest, when 1984 happened, there was no live tv, media industry wasn’t as explosive, scrutiny was much less. So people knew something big had happened but never really brought it up in public. Its like you know you your parents have infidelity issues in the past, but you weren't present at the time you don’t bring it up, right? Just like that, we know 1984 happened, but no one was around, no one brings it up. Until the genius strategy of the Congress boomerangs and fuels the 1984 debate. 

Now when someone asks BJP,  
What about Babri Masjid? they say 1984 (and coughs).

What about Sangh conspiracy to kill Gandhi? 1984 riots. 

When should LK Advani have retired? 1984. 

How many seats will you win in the next Lok Sabha elections? 1984. 

When did India win their first cricket world cup? 1984. But no sir , its 1983.  No no no, 1984. 84 84 84 84. We have orders to just say 84. Its our new 69.

The mass killings of minorities is a bigger problem now for Congress than the BJP. Own goal. Jeetke haarne wale ko Indian cricket team aur Congress kehte hai. 

My riot is better than yours. That’s the level of political debate in the country. That’s why I hate when MBAs are combined with tv debates.  Educated people. Now for every event, there is analysis. there is a SWOT Analysis. ABC Analysis. 

My riot was better because Delhi is a prime location. 

My riot was better because 2002 is a palindrome. It was dyslexia friendly riots bro. 

In the Congress online registration website, in the year of birth section, there is a scroll down option, after 1983, there is 1985. No one born in 1984 can be part of Congress. It is their idea of having nothing to do with 1984.

In conclusion, here are a couple of rules applicable to riots.

Rule no. 1 for riots in India : If your riot is in Assam, it will fall short of reaching the ultimate pinnacle that every riot aspires for-  prime time TV debates. Sorry.

Rule no. 2 for riots in India : If you are a victim and you get justice in your lifetime, you are so damn lucky, that you should buy a lottery ticket. But can you enjoy your new found wealth without limbs and a mental scar for life?