Edit: This post was selected for Blogadda's Tangy Tuesday picks. Link.
If you thought this World Cup guide
analyses the 32 teams and gives predictions which won’t come true, this is
probably the time to switch to the Youporn tab.
We finally have a World Cup in which Dhoni
will not make headlines. Lets face it, despite the progress in recent years,
cricket popularity still beats football in India by an innings and 248* goals.
This is highlighted by the fact that the channel broadcasting the World Cup in
India was named after a cricket term to seemingly attract cricket
lovers – Sony SIX.
The problem with cricket in India is that
everybody likes it, everybody plays it and wants their next five generations to
play it. It’s a lot like engineering. Nowadays however there’s no value for
stand-alone engineers in the country. You have to do an ‘MBA’ along with
engineering to get ahead of the boring crowd. Maybe football is the MBA. And there
are lot of similarities between football fans and MBAs too.
Their choice of phrases. For example an MBA
would say there is an elephant in the room. A football fan would say Wayne
Rooney is playing tonight. MBAs love to use abbreviations. PFA, EOD, B2B.
Similarly football fans have. GGMU, YNWA, COYG, Ok now STFU.
 |
| India's most popular footballer. |
This gets us to the big football World Cup.
The final from the 2010 edition had viewership equivalent to the number of
people in India without an access to a closed toilet. Nearly 700 million! And
if you thought the IPL was the biggest sporting extravaganza organized by the
mafia, you were wrong. Say hello to FIFA.
Brazil’s World Cup preparations have been in a
mess. There have been major delays in infrastructure for the World Cup. There
have been deaths reported too which are related to construction and moreover…
oh wait. Oh wait. I just had this thought. We haven’t heard from Suresh Kalmadi
off late have we? Even during the big elections. Oh my God!!!
 |
| Chill guys, I got this. |
Let me guide you through all the groups.
·
Group A (Brazil, Croatia, Mexico, Cameroon)
Brazil is the favorite. Their most influential
player is Neymar. Or as he is popularly known, the next Ronaldo, or next
Ronaldinho, or the next Rivaldo, or the next Pele or the next Jesus Christ.
Brazil hosted the World Cup last in 1950 where
they lost to Uruguay in the finals in one of football’s most iconic matches
ever. There has been enormous talk of banishing the ghost of 1950.
The minimum expectation for Brazilian fans is to simply win this World Cup.
Which leads me to think what their maximum expectation could be? Brazil’s
striker Hulk getting transformed into his namesake superhero, poverty getting
alleviated due to brisk business generated by sex workers from travelling
English fans, and winning the World Cup final against Argentina 15-0 in which
Messi scores a hattrick of own goals who is then shot dead on his return to
Argentina. No?
Cameroon is called the Indomitable Lions, but
25 years of no domination should probably force a rethink into the name.
Cameroon takes part in World events, not to show off their talents in football,
but rather fashion. In 2002, they wore sleeveless shirts. Try wearing your
heart on your sleeve then. Few years later, they had a single piece body suit
kit few years later. Yes, a single piece body suit.
Yellow card x 2.
 |
| Body suit model and part time footballer. |
Anyway as long as you don’t have Delhi
Daredevils on your shirt, it is not embarrassing enough.
The key to Croatia’s showing in the World Cup
is Luka Modric. He shocked everyone by cutting his trademark long hair the day
after winning the champions League with Real Madrid. My money is on elders in
his family fulfilling a mannat of offering his hair to Tirupathi if they won
the Champions league.
Group B (Netherlands, Spain, Chile and Australia)
In cricketing terms, Spain were the South
Africas of football up until 2008. Post which they became a mad combination of
Australia of the noughties and Windies of the 70s. Fernando Torres is the
secret agent charged with the responsibility of ending this domination. One
cannot dispute the immense contribution of Spanish football in recent years,
the topmost certainly being teaching us phrases such as La Decima, Vamos
(Oh that’s for Nadal) and Hala without having to sign up for expensive
Spanish lessons.
Netherlands manager Louis Van Gaal is facing
the prospect of leading Netherlands into the business end of the biggest show
on earth, and then in a matter of weeks having to train with the likes of Danny
Welbeck and Tom Cleverly as Man United manager. From an Indian point of view,
this has been a great year for Orange, and who knows, maybe their good days are
about to come after years of disappointment.
Australia is actually an Asian representative
to the World Cup, which is what happens when you name a continent after nothing but one country.
·
Group C (Columbia, Greece, Ivory Coast, Japan)
This is incidental, but this group looks like
a special reserved quota group created to allow an African and Asian team to
qualify to the latter stages of the World Cup. Ivory Coast and Japan are probably the favorites to progress from this group. There is a case for these
two countries falling under the creamy layer section hence not being eligible
for this particular reservation benefit, but let us not get into that right
now. We’ll let Prakash Jha have the final say on this.
Columbia’s superstar striker Radamel Falcao
misses the World Cup through injury, or as some see it he becomes the latest
recipient of Karma’s a bitch message from anonymous. Having rejected big
clubs to sign for Monaco’s tax free (and fan less) riches, Falcao now faces the
prospect of watching the World Cup from a luxury yacht in Monte Carlo. Its his
version of the Axe Boat Party.
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| Sorry you cannot come, I have been asked to come alone. |
Falcao justified his move to Monaco last year
saying he wanted to follow in the footsteps of his idol Thierry Henry who used
to play there before Arsenal came calling. This is like saying I want to sleep
with my brother’s wife so that I acquire Ryan Giggs’ footballing talents.
·
Group D (England, Italy, Uruguay, Costa Rica)
This is the group of death. For England. For
the others, its not. England in the football world cup is like England in the
cricket world cup. Or England in the Olympics. Shite. England has invented most
sports in history but has never really dominated any, apart from the game they
called Age of Empires very many decades back.
Fans must be worried of the great English
tradition of its main player going into the tournament injured.
Fortunately, that hasn’t happened yet. Unfortunately, we still have a few days
to go. This explains the extra supplies of cotton wool ordered to protect Wayne Rooney, who
however mistook it for his artificial hair and started dyeing them.
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| Dr. Batra's hair treatment is India's only presence in the World Cup. |
The hotels where Italy and England will be
based were raided by health officials lately and they found several food items
well past their expiry dates. The staff needs to be told not to take the term
group of death literally. But that is no concern for Luis Suarez who is known
to eat anything, such as Branislav Ivanonic. Also, these hotels were not
providing free condoms as per Govt regulations. Mario Balotelli said he will be
carrying his own stock.
·
Group E (Switzerland, Ecuador, France, Honduras)
Group E is E for Easy. France has been
rewarded for giving the world the bikini by being placed in this seemingly easy
group. Younger French players will be looking to shine in the World Cup to earn
a move to Newcastle United, the best French club in the world.
Switzerland’s team this term is compact,
tight, and reliable with extra focus on a secure defense. Unsurprisingly, these
are also the characteristics of their popular banks.
 |
| She is impressed by the Swiss defense system. |
Ecuador on the other hand has asked for
Ecuadorian bananas to be served in all the players’ rooms daily in an effort to
make them feel more at home. So when the random Gujarati aunty named Jashodaben
sitting next to you on an international flight takes out her theplas, do not mock her on twitter.
·
Group F (Argentina, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Nigeria, Iran)
If Kingfisher’s ad agency were in charge of
the World Cup, this group would be captioned - Divided by teams, united by
violence back home.
Argentina has the most lethal firepower in
this group on the field. Off the field, Iran would take that title of course.
 |
| Iran practising long range shooting. |
Bosnia and Herzegovina are the only debutants
in this edition. There is serious possibility of them being overshadowed
in the group by the favorites Argentina, just like the word Herzegovina is
overshadowed and ignored by the word Bosnia by way of its placement.
·
Group G (Germany, Portugal, Ghana, United States)
Germany always does well at World Cups.
After all, they have been on the losing side in two damn World Wars. It
is only fair they succeed on the global stage. Law of average?
Klose with 14 World Cup goals is a name on
everybody’s lips during World Cups. With 96.56% of them still not sure what the
correct pronunciation is. Klosay, Klosa, Klos. Kloz. Lambu. ah Miroslav is
good.
Cristiano Ronaldo’s girlfriend has got more
footage than the entire team of fellow Group G team Ghana in the lead up to the
World Cup. But when it comes to World Cups, there can be only one
Ronaldo. The Brazilian one.
·
Group H (Belgium, Russia, South Korea, Algeria)
The Moscow Times newspaper celebrated their
teams’ qualification to the World cup with the headline – ‘Russia ready to
conquer Brazil’. This did lead to momentary panic in the Brazil army
headquarters at Brasilia.
Belgium are the dark horses. Their team can be
a Premier League dream team in a good season. However, mingling with
English players throughout the year may have lead to acquiring the art of
failing at World Cups.
Lukaku would probably have to score 25 goals
in the World Cup to convince Chelsea not to loan him out again. Especially if
your other strikers are Torres, Etoo and Ba.
Enjoy this one month of staying up late
enjoying the beautiful game folks. Let me now go get ready for the World Cup in
the only way I know. Stevieeee Stevie *clap clap clap* Stevieeee Stevie *clap
clap clap*
Come on England, do it for Sachin!
